The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet
Conclusion: Snickers is a salad
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.