At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

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The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.


How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.


Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money


My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.


Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?


With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.


Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad


“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish


My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.