At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*