At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.