Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus: who likes fish
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]
Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later