At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Sending in my taxes
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…