At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

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My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away


Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.


My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.


Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!


Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”


Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.


*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.


[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?


If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.