At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
He wanted to make sure😂