At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
two people or more is called a problem
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.