At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP