Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
groan^2
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.