At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.