@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

You Might Also Like

@mlccm

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

@funflaps

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

@OctopusCaveman

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

@TheRolo

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

@Thynebear

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

@Sean_Burgundy_

My 40 yard dash time: 5.5

My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3

@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H