[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
