[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
getting corrected
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.