@Rollmaninoz

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

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@Rollmaninoz

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

@SgtButtCheeks

Saying ‘Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?’ only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority

@Roweboat13G

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

@WilliamAder

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

@IamJackBoot

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

@VanGobot

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

@FredTaming

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf