@Rollmaninoz
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
@Rollmaninoz
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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@Rollmaninoz
@SgtButtCheeks
Saying ‘Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?’ only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority
@Roweboat13G
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
@TheReal_AndyMac
I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?
@WilliamAder
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
@IamJackBoot
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
@VanGobot
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
@U_Want_Shum_M8
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
@FredTaming
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
@glittergirlD43
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.