*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*
Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.