[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

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*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh


Saying ‘Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you?’ only works in the movies and not with strangers at Sports Authority


A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.


I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.


At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.


*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.


I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle


my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf