[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Swedish for common sense.