*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
O Wise One….
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.