(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Well, this explains it:
Some people were born into their job.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.