[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware