[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”