Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.