If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…
if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.