[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?


I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.


“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.


girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never


Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.


It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.


It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”


While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.