[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
You Might Also Like
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
welp
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree