@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

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@MatCro

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

@SardonicTart

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

@fillthevacuum

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

@_coryrichardson

girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never

@TheBoydP

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

@AngieDavisHaha

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.