@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

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@SortaBad

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

@bridger_w

If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

@joejwest

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

@4handfuls

My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…

@tigersgoroooar

if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree

@Bob_Heller

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

@BeeeejEsq

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]