[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Breaking news:
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Looking at you, Jesus.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.