*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

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“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe


“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”


Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?


“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.


Wife: We went hiking where there’s newts

Daughter: What’s a newt?

Me: *barely able to contain my dad joke* NOT MUCH, WHAT’S NEWT WITH YOU?


A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.


I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place


“Do not purchase if seal is broke”

*looks over at homeless seal*

*places canned pickles back on the shelf*