@tbhjuststop

*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

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@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

@squirrel74wkgn

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

@DrakeGatsby

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

@imdaintyaf

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

@JermHimselfish

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

@MrMichaelRose

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

@ItsNateDavis

Heard a 28yr old describe herself as old.

Need help disposing of a body.