*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.


Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.


Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class


It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away


My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?


My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.


*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*