Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
How can I say no to this ?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.