@tbhjuststop

*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate

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@AimeeHelene1

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

@reallifemommy3

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

@mayamanion

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

@teacup_giraffe

My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.

@IamEveryDayPpl

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*