[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
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Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.