The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I would like even faster food.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I can fix him.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop