[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You Might Also Like
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
there’s probably a fee though
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.