At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
They’re not wrong
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
You better watch out
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Lol
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
#gardening