At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.