@inikoblue
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
@Faux_Ma
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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@inikoblue
@Book_Krazy
[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]
“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”
ME: uh oh
@kevinrowe1
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
@Kendragarden
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
@spaceboyriley
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
@Tbone7219
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
@AndrewChamings
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
@patnspankme
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
@POTerritory
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
@dundlewood
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding