@Maxine12333 Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
@Faux_Ma At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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@Maxine12333 
@Muldwych Awesome parenting 😂
@skickwriter Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
@BoomBoomBetty Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
@Sarcasmo718 <Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
@Douchekevin A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.
I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
@NicestHippo I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”
@PrettiestPickle Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
@CornOnTheGoblin [puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
@mommajessiec Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”