I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]
“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”
ME: uh oh
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding