Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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Awesome parenting 😂
Why is everything so sticky?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
<Tries to plow the road>
Road: I have a boyfriend.
A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.
I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice
I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”