@Faux_Ma

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

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@Maxine12333

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

@BoomBoomBetty

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

@Douchekevin

A 25 year old just told me she’s gonna rock my world.

I’m 47 so I assume she’s gonna show me where to buy comfortable shoes & soft licorice

@NicestHippo

I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”

@mommajessiec

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”