@Faux_Ma

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

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@inikoblue

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

@Book_Krazy

[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh

@kevinrowe1

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

@Kendragarden

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@Tbone7219

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

@AndrewChamings

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@POTerritory

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding