[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”