@lexizinger

at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer

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@McNarstle

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

@randypaint

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u

@PhilJamesson

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

@originaljrod

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.