at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer

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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.


“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.


Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.


billy joel: we didn’t start the fire

fireman: do u have any idea who did

billy joel: ya i have a list of like, ninety seven suspects

fireman: what

billy joel: can i sing them to u


me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT


Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.


*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*


I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.