Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Self-cleaning conscience
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.