°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary