At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Y’all ready for this
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you