[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.