Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”