[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Mood.. 😂
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Great game to play with friends
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.