@oxygenplug

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

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@SequelsWeWant

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

@ShellHasNoName

Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses

@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

@JustBeingEmma

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

@TheBoydP

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

@Dad_At_Law

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

@chuuew

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

@scorpicpanda

Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.

@NicestHippo

[religion conference]
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too