[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.