[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Oh, I bet you would be
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I’m having an out of money experience.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”