*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Rooting for the overdog
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.