[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Monday
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
and this one
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
A small tragedy.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson