[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no