@AHundredElbows

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

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@DrakeGatsby

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

@uccjeb

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

@scarebro

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

@GetCougarized

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

@blazebabe42069

I’m 28, and to this day, my dad asks if I still listen to “shouty music”

@AthenaMystique

I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.

I just like the taste.

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47