@GuacamoleJesus

*at plastic surgeon’s office*

ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
ME: Naw.
SURGEON: Filler?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.

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@_elvishpresley_

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

@krisv_723

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

@_ElvishPresley_

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

@goldengateblond

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

@_xLNc

I always have too much month left at the end of my money.

@2sassy4anyH

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

@not_delicate

Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.

My husband:

@pittdave13

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”