@GuacamoleJesus: *at plastic surgeon's office*
ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
ME: Naw.
SURGEON: Filler?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: I've heard a lot about your lovemaking. Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing. Her: That's what I heard...
@lemmywinkler: My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I've never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!
@ThePocketJustin: I'll take your LEAST sexual soup.
@drxubair: I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, "I'm so sorry, but I just remembered I don't want to"
@Kodotropo: *dad walks in on me doing homework* "HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK" Dad you're still in third grade "Probably because I'm not a nerd like you"
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