I want this so bad
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angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Stop sending me this shit.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The USS B port
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.