[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.