[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Bed should get ready for ME
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Well well well…
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.