[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
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My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.
3. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I got a new high score today.
Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale!
Condoms prevent minivans.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.
*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?