[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

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[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common


My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.


I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping


I got a new high score today.

Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale!


Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter


FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.


*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?