[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Yes, but it was never about money
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.