[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Mad Max Arctic Road
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00