[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
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Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho