[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
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Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.