At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
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My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
listen closely
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date