[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If looks could kill
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up