Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Waiting for the Charmin

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

This seems like peak sibling energy

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Saturday

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.