[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
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Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
u spoke cat all this time??????
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I was once killed by a shark escalator.